APS

I AM A CHAPSTICK ADDICT. There, I've said it.

I think I have Addictive Personality Syndrome. Is that real??? Well, if it's not, I'm creating it today - APS. I mean, I just admitted to you in a post 15 days, 12 hours, 55 minutes and 54 seconds ago that I was a sugar addict. Now I am compelled to tell you that I am addicted to chapstick. But I know I am not the only person in the world because I definitely know my sister-in-law Jennifer is a chapstick addict also. So it must be real. Besides - I live in my own little world. I can make up any syndrome I want there! So yes - I have APS.

Anyway - I cannot go much more than an hour without swiping the slick stuff across my mouth. In fact, most days, I am reaching for the tube every 20 minutes or so! And it's not the brand name "Chapstick" that I use. I have my favorites - Burt's Bees, Mary Kay and recently, Blistex Deep Renewal Anti-aging Treatment (Because it reduces the signs of aging you know! Right...)

So I was standing in the gym, training for the 5th hour of my morning (lonnnnggg morning today!) and I reached for my trusty Blistex Slicker for probably the 15th time since 5AM and I started laughing to myself as the following memory slid by between lunges and military presses.

This just goes to show you how long I have been a chapstick addict. When I was 27, so that's at least how long I've been addicted (25 years! Oh wait, only 22 as I am the new 49. Phew, now I feel better...), it was Christmas time and I was at the mall one evening doing some shopping. I pulled into the parking space, whipped out the ole chapstick (because if you're an addict, you can't do anything without getting lubed) and applied it across my lips. Now it just so happened that it was really cold that week and my lips were wicked chapped so I actually applied it above my upper lip to soothe and heal that chapped area. Ran a comb through my hair and I was off into the mall.

So I'm inside, shopping for about 20 minutes, walking through the mall, stopping at stores, browsing through crap but not actually purchasing anything at this point. Well, I go into this dress shop and I start looking through some dress racks. As I am going through a rack I feel a tickle across my cheek and I swipe my hand up to my face to brush my cheek and when I drop my hand to continue flipping through the clothes I notice a bright red streak on my hand. It doesn't register at first...AND THEN I REALIZE. Oh God, please don't let it be! I put my hand up to my mouth and run a finger across my bottom lip and OMG, I HAVE RED LIPSTICK on my finger! And in fact, it is not JUST on my finger. It is ALL over my lips and ALL ABOVE MY UPPER LIP, PRACTICALLY UNDER MY NOSE!!!!

I thought I was going to pass out. I had been freaking walking around the mall with red lipstick smeared like a clown all over my mouth (and obviously the surrounding AREA!!!) for over TWENTY MINUTES??????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lesson learned? If you are a chapstick addict, never, I repeat NEVER, buy lipstick in an applicator that looks just like a chapstick tube!!!

And one last thing? You may wonder where the joy in THAT was? The joy is in telling the story every Christmas and getting a roomful of people to laugh until they cry, year after year, even though it may be the 25th (oops, 22nd) time they have heard it...hope you got a laugh at my loserism! (BTW - Loserism IS a word in my world.)